An Open Letter to You Who Keeps Crushing Us

To be honest, I did not think we would come to this. But, look where we are now.

You took me in your arms when nobody was willing to. You made me feel comfortable in my own skin when all I wanted to do was to get out of it. You made me see and feel things I never knew existed. To say the least, you have a huge part in my life. But darling, I was also someone before I met you. 

There are things you do not know about me. Or things you may not want to know about. There are nights when I would finally succumb to the monsters I have silenced for days. I would lay helpless as they feed upon my darkest fears and regrets. They will devour them while the rest of the world is silently breathing in sleep. 

There are moments when the littlest remarks would crush my heart. “I don’t want to talk right now”, “I’m quite busy”, you do not know how they claw the hell out of me. You have no idea how you can give me pain by giving me silence. Yet, I swallow my pride by breaking it first because I don’t want to lose you. 

I apologize if at times, I suddenly withdraw from you. And for the times you become the object of my frustration. They are not intentional. However, even while saying this, I don’t know if I should apologize for acting immature and paranoid, mostly paranoid. You dislike those things. But love, I do not like them either. You dislike uncertainties and sudden changes, but that’s all of me. 

I feel that your need for control is suffocating. As much as I love you, I do not want to lose myself either. I have taken so long and endured so much just to find who I am, for it to be lost in the process of us. 

Right now, I cannot decide if I love you more than myself. In my defense, I never thought I would have to choose between them. Love, I thought you knew what you signed up for. When you uttered the words ‘I love you’, I thought you knew. Or at least, I thought you do. 

I cannot promise you that I would change or that I won’t. But please know, that each time you make me feel I am so hard to love, the more I believe it to be true. More than the pain, I feel fear. You are, still, a wonderful gift in my life. I do not know if I will ever find another just like you. I personally want you to be the last love I have until I die. But if you cannot find it in your heart to love me for me, we should part ways, because we both deserve to find something more. For that, I am scared, I still am not prepared to lose you.  


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