Stay? Leave?

I am lost.

Its always the same dilemma for me each day. Stay or leave. These are the end poles of a magnet and I have to choose just one. It’s unbelievably difficult.

To stay means getting well-versed on the everyday routine that I was programmed to follow. It is waking up at 5 am to the monotonous alarm clock I had begrudgingly set the night before. It is denying a single thought to enter my mind lest it reminds me that I have a long, rough day ahead of me.

It also means going through the usual charade of phone calls and computer programs that make my work a lot worse than it should be. I mean, shouldn’t technology make things easier? Its like the machine is enslaving me, instead of me having control over it because my kind invented it. Shouldn’t it be that way?

On top of that, it is willing the clock to run faster so I can leave my hellhole and breathe, or even try to actually live. It is leaving the comfort of my home to subject myself to the painful aftereffects of signing a contract.

To stay means accepting what life throws at me, no matter how unfair or fantastic that would be. To stay means I’m choosing the most travelled by path.
To leave, on the other hand, means getting a fair chance of giving my dreams a shot in life.

It means gambling everything I have on the line to finally get to where Im supposed to.

It also entails new rejections and sleepless nights. It is spontaneous, exciting but also scary. It is a lot like crossing the road with a blindfold over my eyes. Its leaving everything to chance and luck. But it could also be about timing. Once you have the drive and that perfect timing, there’s a huge chance to succeed. When will I ever be ready to take the leap? That is the question.

I may as well be pursuing an endless goal. Or it could be that giving up the dream can leave me better off. I don’t know, and it’s hard to tell.

Stay or leave?

Stay.

Leave.

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