It was just the two of you against the world. It has always been like that. Yet, here you are.
You pictured a different ending. A vision that is a complete contrast to the one you are forced to face. And, literally, it hurts like you’ve never felt before.
You wonder why things turned out that way. You ask why it hurts.
You are hurting with stories you so desperately want to share with him. Then, you turn and realize, there is no one there anymore.
You are hurting with the words unsaid and the songs unsung. You wish to say them now, you wish they will still matter. And they won’t.You regret not telling him he is a wonderful person even if most see him as unaccomplished. You regret not telling him that book he lent you was one of the best you’ve ever read. You regret.
You are hurting with the half-assed conversations and divided attention you gave. It was the movie he wanted to watch with you, you said yes and bail out last minute because of deadlines and appointments. You weren’t there. You were elsewhere. Yet, he surprised you with a tube of ice cream late that night.And here you are now, wishing you had not stayed at work and watched that movie with him on an endless replay.
You are hurting with the cold shoulder he gave you when you forgot his birthday. ‘Girls are supposed remember that’, he said. But, you did and it does not mean you do not love him. You just forgot and you wished he would realize that. He did, but only a little late. If you could turn back time, that will be the last time you’ll forget his birthday. Each year, you’ll be looking forward to celebrating it with him. But that’s not the case anymore.
You are hurting with the plans you have made together. Just like the calm before the storm, he jokingly mentioned marriage. You shy away from the topic because it is out of question, at the time. He was wearing that silly smile you always loved. Then, you fondly said ‘yes’ while rolling your eyes, trying to hide the giddy feeling of butterflies in your stomach. And you wish you told him how you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him more earnestly and perhaps, he would have stayed.
You are hurting with the echoes of the past that you still clutch in your heart. You still have not buried the dead butterflies. They make you nostalgic and unmoving. You fail to realize, it’s been a while.
Your relationship is not perfect. You had fights, most of them petty, you had ups and downs. It was a rollercoaster ride. And it was worth it.
Soon, you will loosen your grip onto these ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’. You will soon realize, it just didn’t work out and it is no one’s fault. Relationships fall. Relationships begin. It is nothing but constant change.
You weren’t able to grow as fast as he did. Or it could be the other way around, but that does not mean what you had weren’t real.
Most of all, you are hurting because it mattered. He mattered. What you had mattered.
I hope one day you will be able to look back and realize the beauty of this breakdown. Just like the fading glow of the sunset paving the way to the mystic night,this too, is the beginning of something beautiful.