My latest attempt  in wooing you (Yes, you!)

No words can ever explain

how you changed my life

but this is my feeble attempt at trying-

and try I will.

Oh, and this will be pretty long.

It is like waking up one day 

and realizing why you’re where you are. 

And oh, finally feeling, 

after years of muted emotions. 

You made me feel again, 

and by that I mean everything – 

excitement, anger, resentment, glee, jealousy, longing

and everything in between.

I am scared of the vastness of the ocean,

but with you I no longer am. 

Come to think of it, 

at least I would not drown alone, 

you are also a terrible swimmer love.

Kidding aside, 

I realized, I am already drowning – 

gasping for air as I fall deeper into you.

I can easily say, 

it is the best way of drowning, 

And I surrender, 

and boy, was it the sweetest defeat.

I know now 

relationships are complicated. 

What works for others, 

may not work with us. 

Hear, hear!

I am willing to make sloppy mistakes.

I am ready to mix and match solutions 

to our bizarre and mostly petty problems. 

If you have never believed you are beautiful, 

well believe it now. 

For I am no liar and I don’t have time 

for empty praises. 

Here it goes: 

No one is as beautiful as you. 

But, 

you are not flawless,

You are queer and sensitive

You are oblivious to a point it hurts. 

But I wouldn’t trade you for the world. 

I dare not leave you for these flaws. 

I apologize, 

but my love for you is bigger than that.

 
Look here, I say to you

I am not perfect and so are you –  

but our flaws match each other

and that makes us the perfect ensemble. 

I told you this is a feeble attempt

for no words can properly describe 

how a person can change your life

without downplaying it – 

just like how we photograph sunsets,

and capture its downgraded beauty

and still be proud of it 

(hence me publishing this)

But still, I will continue

please bear with me, 

a few more phrases and this will be over. 

I just want to emphasize a point.

Please, please know that when I look at you

I see past your boyish smile and serious eyes. 

I see you as my lifetime partner, 

my bestfriend, 

the other end to my red string of fate – 

all mixed into your figure. 

I must say, 

that was a pretty good blending. 

In this part, 

I will say 

a relatively comon phrase with lovers: 

I love you

and here comes a direct translation of a subconsious thought whenever I say it: 

“I may not say it as much as you do, 

but remember, 

as long as I am with you, 

know that I truly, honestly do.”

My latest attempt  in wooing you (Yes, you!)

Difficult times  

Difficult times bring out the best and the worst in me. 

At first, I would want to scream out loud and blame everyone but me. I may or may not be at fault and still I would plant hate in my heart. “Why me?” “What have I done wrong?” All of these questions ring in my head over and over again. All of them left unanswered. 

The mystery of the reason of my suffering seems to add fuel to the fire. Know your enemy, they say, but I don’t even know who I’m against. Fate? Others? Me and my bad choices? Or worse, it’s all a huge mess of coincidence and inborn unluckiness. The last one is definitely the worst.

Eventually, I’d get tired of asking. By then, there will be nothing left to do but face it head on. The only way to it is through it. And so, left with my own devices, I try to remain calm, survive and fail miserably.

In some moments I would even go back to questioning even knowing (all the while) that I’m not going to get any answers at all. Then comes the sweet and bitter surrender. 

It’s the come-and-throw-it-at-me-I-could-care-less phase. It’s the odd feeling of being in control of an uncontrollable situation. I am in control because I know there will be more to come and there is absolutely nothing I can do. Oh, not really nothing, I can pose as an arrogant being that has seen and felt worse. This statement can be true or nah but the fake confidence lasts enough to get you through a day or two. This is my personal favorite.

Im not sure how some people react when faced in a difficult situation. I can only speak for myself. Getting angry is my first instinct then comes all the yada yada listed above. 

I’m not even sure how all of it ends. Somehow, the situation passes, even if I swear it felt like it was not going to end. It really does get better or if it doesn’t, at least, it does not get any worse. 

Difficult times  

Cheers to the gray days

Here’s to the half-meant smile.

Alas, they will be all gone.
Lo and behold the light graze

Of a long time friend in pitch black clothes

I know I’ll follow him soon.
No more hollow emptiness,

no more trying or begging to feel-

anything.
The journey began,

almost as easily as counting 1 to 3.

I knew it,

when I closed my eyes-

my friend held my hand-

and never opened them again.
 

 

It is because I love you

Love makes us do things we did not sign up for. That’s what love does to us and yet we do it wholeheartedly. 

It is because I love you that I had chosen to keep my demons at bay when I’m with you. I wanted to show you what I could be without them; how I used to be before them. I don’t want to scare you and so I choose to keep them all in. 

It is because I love you that I hid my tears under the covers where you couldn’t see them. I was the happy one, I was the giddy one. I was never the one to cry. I was all that to you. I saw how pleased you are that I am like that, so I did not show you the other side of the coin that was me.

It is because I love you that I chose to keep the most traumatic experience I had within me. You couldn’t know about them because it would be the end to eveything we have ever come to know. Why would I do that? How can I destroy what we have? I kept fighting the memory in my mind just so you could have your peace. I did that because I love you.

It is because I love you that I suppressed thoughts of death, of killing myself. I don’t want you to think I’m being melodramatic. I knew you so well. You would think I’m being ungrateful and petty. Then the fight comes. So instead, I try to distract myself when I feel the urge to end my life. Despite everything, I couldn’t hurt you by hurting me. It’s one of the few things that are stopping me. Believe me, you have no idea how many times I’ve come close.

It is because I love you that I played the role. You have this idea of me and assumed I was that. I pretended that was me and you were happy. 

It is because I love you that I’m willing to face every consequence on my own. I’m fighting a losing battle with no one on my side. All of these just to keep you happy.

But I’m not perfect. I slip and at times you are able to get a glimpse at my real, worn out self. You’d get mad at my attitude and I would apologize. I’m telling you I’m not proud of that, but I am proud that I am able to get by until now. 

It is because I love you that I can bear ripping myself apart inside just to keep you whole. 

Tomorrow, you wouldn’t even know, I just went through hell tonight. Tomorrow, you’ll wake up thinking I just had a fit, or its because of my red days. It’s okay even if you won’t think they’re real, my pains, it’s the compromise I make. 

It is because I love you

I lost my life when I lost my room 

To whoever thinks a room is just a four-walled space in the house, I wholeheartedly disagree.

To me it was always more than just a place to sleep. It was a place to pretend to sleep. There are nights when sleep won’t come and there are also nights when it is unwelcome, either way, my room served as the perfect hiding place. It was a place that knows no time. It doesn’t force me to do anything because it is what’s expected of me.

My room was the only one who saw the smile painted on my face vanish ever so quickly the moment I close the door. It was a silent witness to my stifled cries. It does not ask me to ‘stop’ and ‘move on’. It just lets me cry until I’m too tired. It welcomed the angry punches I throw in its walls until my fists bleed. It did not protest.

I can write peacefully in my room because it is where I can be completely alone in my thoughts. It is where I can be truly honest without feeling sorry about it.

It is the one who hears my sleep talks and quiet conversations with myself without receiving ‘the look’. I can dance or lie on the floor without being told to stop.

I can make songs and sing out of tune. It was the very first audience to my self-composed songs. I even think it feels proud that after all the procrastination and monotonous tunes, I am able to make one. I can almost hear it sigh or maybe just because it thinks the worst is finally over.

It is the one who welcomes me without asking too many questions that I don’t know the answer to. It does not judge me at all.

And now it is gone, due to unfortunate events. I feel like mourning for my long-time companion. I miss it. I miss its quiet presence. I almost think I took  it for granted.

Being alone in my room makes me feel like watching my life unfold in its self. Without pressure, without prejudice, without time limits and expectations, it just lets me unravel my life. It gives me freedom in its truest form. Sometimes I wish to expand it to Earth’s size so everyone  can feel it too. But just like most good things, it came to its end.

So when I lost it, I felt lost too. I lost my room and I am mourning for it and for myself. I want it back. I lost my life when I lost my room.

I lost my life when I lost my room