Prose on love

It is because I love you

Love makes us do things we did not sign up for. That’s what love does to us and yet we do it wholeheartedly. 

It is because I love you that I had chosen to keep my demons at bay when I’m with you. I wanted to show you what I could be without them; how I used to be before them. I don’t want to scare you and so I choose to keep them all in. 

It is because I love you that I hid my tears under the covers where you couldn’t see them. I was the happy one, I was the giddy one. I was never the one to cry. I was all that to you. I saw how pleased you are that I am like that, so I did not show you the other side of the coin that was me.

It is because I love you that I chose to keep the most traumatic experience I had within me. You couldn’t know about them because it would be the end to eveything we have ever come to know. Why would I do that? How can I destroy what we have? I kept fighting the memory in my mind just so you could have your peace. I did that because I love you.

It is because I love you that I suppressed thoughts of death, of killing myself. I don’t want you to think I’m being melodramatic. I knew you so well. You would think I’m being ungrateful and petty. Then the fight comes. So instead, I try to distract myself when I feel the urge to end my life. Despite everything, I couldn’t hurt you by hurting me. It’s one of the few things that are stopping me. Believe me, you have no idea how many times I’ve come close.

It is because I love you that I played the role. You have this idea of me and assumed I was that. I pretended that was me and you were happy. 

It is because I love you that I’m willing to face every consequence on my own. I’m fighting a losing battle with no one on my side. All of these just to keep you happy.

But I’m not perfect. I slip and at times you are able to get a glimpse at my real, worn out self. You’d get mad at my attitude and I would apologize. I’m telling you I’m not proud of that, but I am proud that I am able to get by until now. 

It is because I love you that I can bear ripping myself apart inside just to keep you whole. 

Tomorrow, you wouldn’t even know, I just went through hell tonight. Tomorrow, you’ll wake up thinking I just had a fit, or its because of my red days. It’s okay even if you won’t think they’re real, my pains, it’s the compromise I make. 

The Question She Asks

“I love you”, he said

“Still?”, she replied.

This can probably be annoying but please don’t feel that way. It can probably be because she knows she’s not the easiest person to be with. Or it can also be because, she does not feel that she is worthy of your love. 

You may not know but someone from the past had caused her to believe she’s worthless. No matter how she tried people will leave her anyway. Sure you’ll find her interesting at first, but that will be it. Slowly, you will realize that she’s nothing more than a girl who does not have her shit together. 

She knows she is impatient and you will hate her for that. So she tries to keep the anger in until she can. She will shrug it off and say “don’t sweat it”. She will pretend it did not matter when it did. And it will break her but she would not say a word. 

“Still?” 

In that one word resonates all the fears she kept inside. 

She’s lost and half of the time she does not know what she’s doing. So she keeps all these planners in an effort to make it seem like she has it all figured out. She wants to be that woman when all she is right now is a girl. A girl thrown out of in the crazy world of adult life. She’s afraid she’ll get left behind. 

She has the weirdest episodes of being clingy and distant, cold and sensitive. At times, she feels like she is made up of whirlwind of emotions that are too big for her heart and mind. From the outside she will appear collected but on the inside is a brewing storm of anger and anxiety.  

And she knows that just like everyone else you also have your own problems. And so she’s not telling you that there are times when she would feel sad out of the blue. Even out in the public while you are having a date, she’ll feel it creep up on her. She won’t tell because what could she answer when you ask her why. Nothing, this will be the best answer she got and she thinks that’s not worth mentioning. So she tries to flash you her brightest smile, the one you fell for.

But she’s not always happy and she won’t always have stories to tell. What will happen if one day she run out of smiles to show? Of stories to share? What then?

So she asks herself why you’re still there. It’s not that she wants you to leave. It’s because somehow she’s doing something right to make someone stay that long and she wants to figure out what that is so she can keep on doing it. 

To make you stay. 

“Still?”

The next time you hear this from her, please do her a favor and don’t roll your eyes. Just hug her, trust me, it will mean the world to her.  

Home

One of the worst emotions that any person can possibly experience is not feeling at home in your own home.  It is that nagging voice in your head that you simply does not belong there anymore.

Home can be any place or anyone for that matter. It is somewhere one can feel the most secure. It is also where one can be his true self without anticipating an unwelcome judgment. Home is the beat place to be in this cold world.

This is why it is truly heartbreaking to know that the key you hold no longer fit on the newly placed lock on your door. It is unsettling to be lost in the streets you have known so well  like the back of your hand. It is the most painful feeling of absence of the home you loved as it holds the same foundation but contains the most bizarre layout and furniture. It is no longer your home and your safe haven.

So you move out with all of your precious belongings. You stay on motels and inns just to get by each day. Until the days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and eventually became years. The memory of your home still alive. You long for it but not in the way you did before. Now, finally, you’re ready to start laying your foundations again.

How many times have you built your home only to leave it because it no longer feels like one? How many times have you promised that this time will be the last time you will ever walk out your door? How many times have you longed to go back to the very first home you built? How many times have you stood up and planned your new home? Who cares anyway? You are your own person who are allowed to have as many home as you want until you find the last place you’d grow old in. No one is counting. Maybe it is just you that’s keeping track and it’s time to stop that. Keep the old pictures of your previous homes, turn them into decorations or keep it in old suitcase, it really does not matter.

You are your own home’s interior designer. Keep it exciting.

An Open Letter to the One Who Is Still Hurting

It was just the two of you against the world. It has always been like that. Yet, here you are.

You pictured a different ending. A vision that is a complete contrast to the one you are forced to face. And, literally, it hurts like you’ve never felt before.

You wonder why things turned out that way. You ask why it hurts.

You are hurting with stories you so desperately want to share with him. Then, you turn and realize, there is no one there anymore.

You are hurting with the words unsaid and the songs unsung. You wish to say them now, you wish they will still matter. And they won’t.You regret not telling him he is a wonderful person even if most see him as unaccomplished. You regret not telling him that book he lent you was one of the best you’ve ever read. You regret.

You are hurting with the half-assed conversations and divided attention you gave. It was the movie he wanted to watch with you, you said yes and bail out last minute because of deadlines and appointments. You weren’t there. You were elsewhere. Yet, he surprised you with a tube of ice cream late that night.And here you are now, wishing you had not stayed at work and watched that movie with him on an endless replay.

You are hurting with the cold shoulder he gave you when you forgot his birthday. ‘Girls are supposed remember that’, he said. But, you did and it does not mean you do not love him. You just forgot and you wished he would realize that. He did, but only a little late. If you could turn back time, that will be the last time you’ll forget his birthday. Each year, you’ll be looking forward to celebrating it with him. But that’s not the case anymore.

You are hurting with the plans you have made together. Just like the calm before the storm, he jokingly mentioned marriage. You shy away from the topic because it is out of question, at the time. He was wearing that silly smile you always loved. Then, you fondly said ‘yes’ while rolling your eyes, trying to hide the giddy feeling of butterflies in your stomach. And you wish you told him how you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him more earnestly and perhaps, he would have stayed.

You are hurting with the echoes of the past that you still clutch in your heart. You still have not buried the dead butterflies. They make you nostalgic and unmoving. You fail to realize, it’s been a while.

Your relationship is not perfect. You had fights, most of them petty, you had ups and downs. It was a rollercoaster ride. And it was worth it.

Soon, you will loosen your grip onto these ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’. You will soon realize, it just didn’t work out and it is no one’s fault. Relationships fall. Relationships begin. It is nothing but constant change.

You weren’t able to grow as fast as he did. Or it could be the other way around, but that does not mean what you had weren’t real.

Most of all, you are hurting because it mattered. He mattered. What you had mattered.
I hope one day you will be able to look back and realize the beauty of this breakdown. Just like the fading glow of the sunset paving the way to the mystic night,this too, is the beginning of something beautiful.

An Open Letter to You Who Keeps Crushing Us

To be honest, I did not think we would come to this. But, look where we are now.

You took me in your arms when nobody was willing to. You made me feel comfortable in my own skin when all I wanted to do was to get out of it. You made me see and feel things I never knew existed. To say the least, you have a huge part in my life. But darling, I was also someone before I met you. 

There are things you do not know about me. Or things you may not want to know about. There are nights when I would finally succumb to the monsters I have silenced for days. I would lay helpless as they feed upon my darkest fears and regrets. They will devour them while the rest of the world is silently breathing in sleep. 

There are moments when the littlest remarks would crush my heart. “I don’t want to talk right now”, “I’m quite busy”, you do not know how they claw the hell out of me. You have no idea how you can give me pain by giving me silence. Yet, I swallow my pride by breaking it first because I don’t want to lose you. 

I apologize if at times, I suddenly withdraw from you. And for the times you become the object of my frustration. They are not intentional. However, even while saying this, I don’t know if I should apologize for acting immature and paranoid, mostly paranoid. You dislike those things. But love, I do not like them either. You dislike uncertainties and sudden changes, but that’s all of me. 

I feel that your need for control is suffocating. As much as I love you, I do not want to lose myself either. I have taken so long and endured so much just to find who I am, for it to be lost in the process of us. 

Right now, I cannot decide if I love you more than myself. In my defense, I never thought I would have to choose between them. Love, I thought you knew what you signed up for. When you uttered the words ‘I love you’, I thought you knew. Or at least, I thought you do. 

I cannot promise you that I would change or that I won’t. But please know, that each time you make me feel I am so hard to love, the more I believe it to be true. More than the pain, I feel fear. You are, still, a wonderful gift in my life. I do not know if I will ever find another just like you. I personally want you to be the last love I have until I die. But if you cannot find it in your heart to love me for me, we should part ways, because we both deserve to find something more. For that, I am scared, I still am not prepared to lose you.  

Before him

Before I met him, I was alone for a long time.

Not that I am complaining but that was how it was for me. I took my time very sweetly. I did not commit to anyone after my childish love affairs. I was glad I took it. For six years after that I focused on myself. I figured out what I wanted, what I hated. It was a good time to be alone.

Unlike others, I was not bitter with anything. I was alone because I chose to be. Over the years, I watched life unfold before me in a manner that I have planned. I was going to graduate and have a job. I did it.

Then came him. I was never the type to face love head on. I was the one who waits and waits. I knew I will meet someone one day but I was never really looking forward to it. Encountering him was like waking up from a long slumber but slowly and easily. It was a nice feeling. Like I said I was not bitter and simply carried on with my life. I opened up to him. I was like a book that was simply lying on a cluttered bookshelf and he picked me up with the gentlest touch. He flipped my pages and intently listened to my stories—from the strangest dreams to my most wicked thoughts—he took them all in with wonder that I have never seen or felt before. 

That was how he got me. All those years that I spent alone, all of them came in passing. Before him I was travelling down a road I have chosen for myself, glimpsing on the scenery every once in a while. There were colors. When there was him, the colors got brighter and more vivid. How it was possible, I cannot tell. He was magic to me and no matter how ordinary the world sees him, he will always be extraordinary to me.

I would not say he saved me. I was not in need of any saving for I was content with what I have. Instead, I would say he adjusted my life’s lens, turning every view and image into its sharper and more defined version. It was like everything came into focus. 

If this was how love is supposed to feel then I would not want it to end. Maybe he will never know just how much he means to me, for I was never good with expressing my feelings. I hope someday he would be able to know. Perhaps, from a stranger who will accidentally capture a photo of me looking at him like it was the first time I have seen something so magnificent. I really do not care how. I just want him to know that he touched a life. He touched my life. For that I am thankful.