Prose on life

I wish I could stop myself from justifying why I should not feel sad and hurt, most especially when I am truly feeling that way. Having a sound and reasonable mind while having a highly fragile and anxious heart is an everyday torture. 

I wish I could stop getting hurt over little things that may or may not be consciously done to cause me pain. I wish I can put to words, without sounding selfish and petty, why my heart is crushed by your seemingly harmless gesture. I wish I do not have to hide these little episodes of crying from you. 

I wish I would stop feeling lonely when I do. It is hard enough to be out in a huge crowd and still feel isolated. It’s even harder to hear the silent echo of quietness when I am by myself. 

I wish I could stop being a walking contradiction. 

I wish I could stop chastising myself for feeling what I feel. I wish I could control my emotions when they get too overwhelming. 

I wish I could make me feel okay. 

I wish I could learn that some things I should just let go of, I wish the scars on my hand from holding on would remind me to do so. 

I wish I could witness more sunrise because I need that warmth.

I wish to bask in hundreds of sunsets and realize there is beauty in the afterglow and the onset of the dark. 

I wish I could stop being easily scared. 

I wish I could will myself to keep moving forward. 

I wish I could keep my resolves. 

I wish I could erase some thoughts and memories completely.

I wish I could stop feeling sorry and saying sorry for that matter. 

I wish I could stop wishing for things I cannot have, for dreams that are hard to make true. I wish I could stop being a pessimist.

I wish for these things that may or may not come true, and yet I still do. 

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To you who says ‘I quit’ but don’t

You’ve said it countless times before it became your sigh of breath. How many times have you uttered it today? Yet here you are, still looking fly as you get on with deadlines. A quick flashback of today and maybe you can count.

When you woke up and wished the clock would show 12am instead of 6am, you said it. Dragging yourself to the bathroom to take a shower, your slow steps showed it. Still you made it on time to work. 

As you blindly go through the routine of opening your PC then sifting through your emails, your fingers lightly drummed on the edge of your desk. The beat echoed it. 

When you quietly walked to the water dispenser, hoping no one would come and make small talk only to be engaged in a one-sided conversation with your co-worker, you said it. Slyly looking at your PC and hoping they’d take the sign, your gestures showed it. 

As you looked at the clock willing it to tick faster so you can call it a day, your look betrayed it.  And when at last it’s time to leave, the unconscious congratulatory smile you had whispered it. Even more so when the smile faded when you gave tomorrow a thought, of how it would be the same. You almost shouted it.

But you didn’t and that is why I salute you. 

You are the epitome of courage in the scary world we have succumbed to. You are the champion of those who wants to give up. You are the hero of your own battle, without realizing you have become a leader to those fighting the same battles.

By surviving for yourself you help others survive and win too.

And even if everyday you fight this war, never think you’re losing. You’re winning because you did not let it own you. 

To you who says ‘I quit’ both in words or gestures but don’t, I believe in you. You can win this. Want to know why? Because no matter how much you’ve said it, still you’re doing the best you can. And that is one of the bravest thing you can do.